Backwards and upsidedown
by authenticapathy
Summary: Ginny gets confused, Draco gets cute, Harry gets mad. My first fic so review and I can handle your honesty. GWHP, GWDM, and much much more.
1. Chapter 1

When I can't figure out what is going on with other people, I think of myself as a fairy. It explains the differences—I'm delicate, I'm temperamental, I can't control my magic but I'm certainly not evil. It's just that… when I want something, I find a way to get it, and that scares people… bothers them… annoys them… I don't really know. But somehow, I tend to freak people out. Not just muggles, everyone… even the people at Hogwarts. Sometimes I freak out my own family, and god knows they aren't easy to phase. The only person I don't bother is myself, and the reactions of other people get to me, so I do bother myself… I really don't know what the point of me is. However, while I'm talking about myself, I'd have to mention that I am truly full of myself to be completely honest here. I talk loud, laugh at everything, smile too wide, cry too easily, my hair sticks up no matter what, I can't seem to stop eating… and yet, I, among other people, find myself ridiculously attractive. My eyes are big and chocolate brown, my hair is red and turns gold in the sunlight, I consider myself metabolically challenged, and I am told I would be the top student in my year if I could occasionally pay attention to what was going on around me. I guess you could call me dangerous, but I would never hurt anyone, no matter how vile they were… I just have a twitchy hand with the jinxes.

The twins are the only ones who actually understand me, besides Harry. Hermione is sweet, but sometimes she just can't see how I live with myself. On the other hand, at least she is capable of communication. I guess I have always been attracted to Harry… How could I resist? Big green eyes, moody, mysterious personality, good kisser… but all that has so little to do with it. I would have gotten over my celebrity crush on him years ago if it wasn't for our friendship. To me, he is the only permanently tolerable human on earth. Oh yes, another thing to add to my ever-expanding list of problems with myself—Everyone annoys me. I suppose living as only myself has given me unattainable expectations of everyone else. On the other foot, most people have issues with me. I can see why when I stop to watch myself… Exuberant one second, the next millisecond, out of this world and floating through a world of emerald eyes and I've grown wings and the stars are flying by me and I can't see a single disapproving face… then sudden heat snaps me painfully into the world, my potion is in flames, the eyes are on me again, and I would give anything to be somewhere else.

My family is used to me being spacey—all I get by now is a poke and sarcastic comment from one of my multitudinous brothers. All of our family has quirks; mine are more obvious than some. I guess my family is about the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. We all laugh a lot, have bright hair and brains like scorpions (fast, but kind of scuttley…), and we're all pretty good looking in our own weird way. I guess I'm pretty, a few of the guys in my year sure seem to think so… but I just think its my sense of style. I mean, who else would think to attach magenta ribbons to their robe cuffs? What other redhead can even get away with pink? I even have pink eye shadow—as long as pink isn't used in a girly context, it is my favorite color. Along with, of course, red and green, for Gryffindor and Harry's eyes.

So basically, my story started one day when I woke up and Mum was absolutely OFF her rocker about something or another, I could smell burning bacon in the kitchen, the bright shining British fog had risen for the morning, and I decided it would be a little easier to climb out my window and risk getting down the oak tree than attempting to navigate through The Burrow's family filled downstairs. In case I haven't mentioned it, my family lives in the Burrow. Make that the Weasley family, Ginny Weasley at your service. So I pulled on my dark jeans over a pair of Harry's black boxers (they're comfy!), a stripy pink and green top, black sweater, and Quidditch boots, attempted to disentangle my red hair from in front of my face, failed, gave up on dignity, and hoisted myself into my window sill (some feat, given its height of seven feet compared to my five foot five inches), and contemplated my next move. The sun was beginning send out pink and gold tentacles of light but the mist lingered on the leaves and grass, making it look sparkly and pretty… and slippery. I bit my lip and grabbed a high branch, swinging myself onto it with a squeak. I do physically risky things, but Merlin knows I'm girly about it. From there it was fairly easy to slither down the trunk, getting some damp bark under my short fingernails (but I never much cared for manicures).

I pulled my wand out of the butt pocket of my jeans (screw Moody—I'd like to see anyone with one butt cheek), conjured a fast note to Mum explaining I'd flown to London for some shopping with the girls, and concentrated on Diagon Alley. My only secret from absolutely everyone is that I have been apparating since the age of twelve. I luckily won't have to hide it much longer, since I turn 17 in a few months. I did it by accident a few times before I realized what was happening, and since then I have kept it quiet so that my opportunities remain limitless. I had time for a gleeful smirk before I swirled, squeezed, fell, and found myself staring at Tom's grinning (odd, what with the missing teeth) face.

"Morning, Tom, just off for some exploring—If mum calls, tell her I've gone for robes, could you?"

"Anything, dear… Do have a good time!"

I shot Tom a mischievous grin and skipped out of the door of the Leaky Cauldron. London was sunnier, and already the streets were bustling with muggles, mostly teenagers. As I cruised down the sidewalk, swinging my hips (I like to entertain myself) I got whistled at by a cute guy in a convertible. Woo! I decided to tone down the attitude before someone got ideas, and wondered where I would go this morning. I had already been to most of the shops in that part of town, but I had seen a park a few blocks down that looked gorgeous. I stopped for a second to check my general damage in a reflective window; as I was contemplating whether I could manage a hair straightening charm without any muggles noticing, I caught a flash of platinum blonde behind me. Normally a blonde in England isn't a major development, but there was something familiar about it… I whirled and scanned the streets for anyone I recognized, but saw nothing but a rush of cars and strangers. Pushing it from my mind, I continued down the street.

Suddenly I stepped around a corner and was faced with the image of a huge cathedral. It must have been as tall as an ordinary three story building, with a sleek silver steeple stemming from a glowing stained glass portrait of the virgin Mary holding her son. Dark stone steps cascaded down from the heavy wooden doors, and floating up the incline was a bride. She was alone, blonde, small and frail looking beneath her wafting veils. She had large pale eyes and was resolutely clutching a simple boquet of white roses. Suddenly her face glowed with emotion and she stopped, dropped her roses, and ran back down the steps. She jumped the last few, flew through the air, and landed in the waiting arms of... the maid of honor? A slim brunette in a pale blue gown wrapped her arms around the smaller girl and their lips met in a desperate kiss. The bride whirled in fear as the heavy church door slammed open, revealing a furious Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. (Could I be any more confused?) A tall and unpleasant looking man emerged behind them, distainfuly eyed the entangled girls, and stalked away past the livid parents. Narcissa flew down the steps, beginning to scream at the girl--

"You slut! Disgrace! No daughter of ours disgraces our name! Dyke! Whore, I will never look at your face again! Get out of my sight! You filth, you blood traitor! HOW COULD YOU???!" Her face was contorted as she shrieked the last words at the stubborn face of the blonde girl. A tear ran down the bride's cheek and she failed to speak as she glared into the twisted eyes of her mother. Narcissa's arm began to flex and she raised it, the bride flinching--

At that moment, a carriage screeched into the scene. The door flew open, and out launched a flushed, furious, ... Draco Malfoy?? He leapt towards the women, grabbing his mothers arm and flinging it down away from the girl. "Mother, GET OUT OF HERE!"

Narcissa quivered in fear and rage, spat on the ground at their feet, and whirled towards her husband. "We're leaving." They stalked towards the carriage, got in, and began to close the door. Lucius glanced back, paused, and said "Son?". Draco Malfoy shook his head gently, wrapping a protective arm around who must be his sister's shoulders. The carriage door slammed, and it flashed into the distance.

'Whoooooah.' I thought. 'Must be more to the Malfoy family than I knew'.

The sister, the brunette, and Draco all embraced and the sister sniffed tearfully. Suddenly she let out an elated giggle and threw her arms around the brunette's neck. They spun and hugged and kissed and laughed, and I found myself amazed that a Malfoy could look as happy as Draco did watching them. Both girls grappled Draco's hands and hugged him and then they all laughed at the bride's outfit, plucking at varius veils and lace and ribbons that poked awkwardly from her thin bodice. I suddenly noticed that I had drifted closer to this scene while being mesmerized, and realized too late as Draco lifted his head and caught my eyes. His face tensed, the smile dissapeared, and he looked like a Malfoy again. I cringed, glanced back, and gave him a slight smile, trying to indicate I was fine with anything he wanted to show me. He looked afraid for a second. His eyes darted from me to his sister, and finally he seemed to give up all pretenses and relaxed his face into a smile. He began to laugh and disentangled from the beaming girls, sidling over to me. He was dressed as a muggle, in nice dark jeans and a tight black tshirt. His blonde hair was ruffled and his eyes were glowing blue-gray, instead of their ususal cold silver. I couldn't help but giggle as he tried to give me the usual distainful look, but couldn't through his smile.

"Is that your sister?"

"Yeah..." he answered with a small smile. "She's a year younger than me, your age, her name is Violet. I guess my parents... just couldn't handle her girlfriend."

"God... did they try to make her get married?" I was astounded that even the Malfoys could be that stupidly insensitive.

"Yeah... my parents can be... I guess... Too old fashioned to live?" he suggested with a pained smirk. "I guess we won, though... Esmerelda really loves Vi."

"I can tell" I giggled, watching the girls.

"Soo... What are you doing in London? Besides exploring your muggle side, of course". Malfoy's attempt at the usual mockery failed completely after his display of sensitivity. I had never noticed how tall he was, I felt small and had to look up to talk to him. Hmm. He was grinning slightly and a piece of hair had fallen in front of his eyes. I almost reached up to fix it when I was jolted back to reality. WHAT??? I am standing in London, at a church, with Draco Malfoy, and his lesbian sister, who has just been disowned by his parents, and probably he has too, and he is treating me like a human being, and here I am thinking he is cute?

WHAT?

Then my life started to get weird.


	2. Chapter 2

Blink

Draco was still staring at me, I was still wondering what was going on, but now it had gone silent.

"Ginny?"

"Um…. yeah…. did—did you just call me Ginny?"

"Well I guess … it makes sense, doesn't it…. ah…." Draco was a little flustered, I had got him there. His eyes were sparkling at me, though. Gosh.

"Wellllll…. I think you need to explain to me how it is that all this has happened without anyone at Hogwarts knowing. Your family isn't exactly below the radar, is it?" I was definitely curious as to how he had a sister—a lesbian sister, nonetheless—that no one had ever heard of or talked about.

Draco looked a little stressed. "Ahh…. um… well it's always been a bit of a touchy subject with my family; see, they only planned to have one child—me. I guess they slipped up… heh… ew… but they always were kind of strange to Vi. She was always the sweetest girl, but kind of outgoing, not as rigid as the Malfoys usually are. She kept me caring when I wanted to just turn bitter against my parents. I always have had her to live for, her to stay sane for. She is the most loving person I've ever met. And I sort of… protected her, I guess, from my family and the names they would call her. She started as just strange—then it became weak, useless, pathetic, abnormal, unworthy of the name. They sent her away to a smaller school somewhere in Scotland to avoid a public stir about two Malfoy children. I always write to her and visit her, though… she first introduced me to Esmerelda last year. They were friends for so long, and then when it became something more Vi was terrified of what our family's reaction would be. She's such a strong person, though, she refused to hide it… so she told them." Draco's voice died; his eyes went blank but I could see a film of pain hiding behind his exterior.

"God…. what did they do…. Draco?" I practically whispered the question, not wanting to bring him more pain from the memories.

"Flipped." He winced, then continued. "I guess that was the first time I truly had to protect her, my dad tried to slap her and I got it instead. I haven't trusted my parents since then. I was already skeptical of their death eater antics and pureblood stigma, but that…. Vi… it drew the line for me." He let out a shaky breath. "Nobody hurts my sister. I can't let anything happen to her."

"You…. I…. wow…." I was so amazed to find that Malfoy could even love, let alone give so much for anyone. Why hadn't he told anyone, showed this side of him to anyone before? "Draco… have you told anyone else? Who else knows?"

He glanced down, gave me a shy look, and murmured, "I guess I don't really talk much about it…" He looked away, squinting into the sunlight but avoiding my eyes.

"You have… told people, haven't you? Someone?" I couldn't believe he kept this all a secret. He had always seemed so accepting of his family traditions, proud of them even.

"Well…. It's not small, is it? I guess I couldn't … didn't want to… It's not easy to just…. it's not safe to disagree with my family publicly, don't you see? I can't just be like 'Oh, okay, I think I'll stop being a Malfoy now, so much for the bloodline, sorry dad, I think I'll care about people now!'" His eyes flashed and he seemed to radiate heat from above me. We were closer than before, his chest near to my eyes. Yum. Shutupshutup, eyes.

"I… wow… that's so…"

He cut me off. "Thanks for listening, I know you can't like me after what our families have been through, but it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't threaten me." His eyes softened and I suddenly drew my breath, wondering why he felt so close, so warm, and why I wanted it so much.

Gosh.

"I just… you're so different than I thought. I always thought you were hiding something, but… God… you're not horrible!" I blushed when I realized what I had just said.

"Oh, wow, thanks so much, I feel flattered." His face was laughing, but his eyes held hurt, like he knew that his being horrible had been a true possibility in my mind.

"Draco… you're more than not horrible. You're really, really amazing." Shit, I hate it when I say things like that. Things that are so true, but so stupid to say. Way to make a moment and break it. Last thing I want is people thinking I'm hitting on him. Way to fuck up things with Harry. Way to confuse myself. Way to fucking stare, Ginny! GET A GRIP.

I got a grip.

On his neck.

With my hands.

A millisecond after his warm, soft lips met mine.

Fuck.

My eyes had drifted closed, but I felt his large hand sliding around my waist to the small of my back. I ran my fingers through his silky hair, I felt the heat of his body close to mine, I felt my lips tugged open and gently sucked, nibbled, I met his tongue with mine and lost track of everything but him. I was up on my tiptoes to reach his mouth, his hands slid down my back, across my bottom, onto my thighs, and suddenly lifted me into the air, pulling me closer to him. My legs wrapped around him of their own volition, his toned body hot between them, his arms encircling me, making me feel like a doll in his strong grasp.


	3. Chapter 3

My brain tried to regain control over the situation, but it was just too far along. My legs tightened around him as his warm hands slipped under my shirt and around my waist. I pulled him closer to me, deepening the kiss and wrapping myself around him. He slowly pulled his lips from mine, staying a millimeter away from my face, breathing heavily and slowly letting his eyes drift open. I could hardly control my face but looked straight into his beautiful blue eyes, trying to understand what I saw in them.

"I'm sorry." His eyes were so frank, even with his hands wrapped around me and holding me on his hips I felt the sting of his apology.

"No. Please, **please** don't say that. I can't handle it. I don't…. I can't…. please just don't apologize. I don't even know what happened yet." My voice works better than my brain, so I still have nothing to say.

"I can't have what I want, I don't deserve it, so don't offer me forgiveness for trying to take it. I should let you be happy. I took a moment of your life and you can have it back now. Thank you." He stared into me, his face abnormally blank, but I couldn't understand how he could possibly mean the words he was speaking. I fiddled with a strand of hair on his neck, my mind spinning and the hot closeness of him still confusing me further.

"How… could you say that? How could you not deserve anything in the world, after what you have done, after what you've been through? You deserve anything, Draco… you deserve everything." I had already fucked it up, I might as well say what I felt. I tensed in shock at his reaction.

He dropped me to the ground, ripped off a studded bracelet I hadn't noticed he was wearing, and thrust a smoothly pale arm under my vision. I tried to interpret what I saw as anything but real, tried to imagine a strange tattoo that was somehow similar to what I was seeing, but I couldn't avoid recognizing the foul mark marring his beautiful skin.

"THIS shit is why. This is why, I'm worthless! I'm just like my father, don't you see? I don't have any options! This is it, this is my life, I can't go outside it!" He was screaming by the end, and suddenly fell silent, drawing his arms to himself protectively and looking down. Which was actually directly towards me, so he changed his direction mid head-hang, and looked up and to the side. Squinting into the sun again, his face was illuminated with golden light. A tear sparkled at the corner of his eye, but his face looked like a stone carving. A tragically beautiful carving.

For once in my life, I couldn't say anything.

My throat had closed, and I didn't even want to breath. It hurt too much.

blinkblinkblink


	4. Chapter 4

Warning—This story is rated M for a reason, there is some real sexuality in this chapter. Little ones, please do not read.

Disclaimer—I own none of these characters, unfortunately, and JK Rowling has nothing to do with the exhibition of them in this chapter. ; )

12:03 AM

Still thinking about watching him run away. Still can't figure out what happened. Still miss Harry. Still feel horrible.

flashback

"I…. have to….sorry… um…" Draco brushed angrily at his eyes, turned, and strode quickly away from me. His face twisted into a smile as he approached Vi and Esmerelda, but he glanced back at me for a second. I hadn't moved since he put me down. They kept walking, arm in arm, till they were gone.

end

Oh hell. I need to stop thinking about him. I can't do anything anyway, and definitely not during the summer. Harry's coming back from his Quidditch camp later today. I still can't believe what I did with Draco… we only kissed, but I haven't kissed anyone but Harry for over a year… I just don't work like that! But something about me can't regret kissing him. I can't wish that moment away, and I can't feel like it was the wrong thing to do. I keep envisioning his wrist, the Dark Mark spread across his veins…And I've realized the white lines criss-crossing his skin were from himself, his hatred of the world and himself painting a picture of pain on his beautiful skin. I can't understand the things he did to himself, I can't understand how he could hate himself. I, on the other hand, have no use for Ginny right now.

Warning—My life got depressing a few hours ago.

I got home, walked upstairs like a ghost, telling Mum I had already eaten, and closed myself into my room. I didn't put on music, I didn't turn on the light, and I didn't cry. I can't understand him, and suddenly I would give anything to know that he was alright.

Why do I care so much?

Why won't I stop thinking about him?

Why don't I regret what I did?

He's worth it… that's why.

BAM.

My door flew open, light flooded my eyes, and suddenly I was spinning around in a warm pair of arms. Familiar smell, black hair in my eyes, large hands on my back, holding me tight. What was I going to tell him? Nothing, I realized. That's what. His green eyes sparkled as he held me up, his girl, and looked at me for the first time in a month. I washed my thoughts away, smiled like a crazy person, and kissed him.

Who am I kidding?

"I missed you so much…"

"It was hell without you…"

"I love you…"

"It was amazing…"

"Learned so much…"

"I love you so much…"

"I love you…"

"I missed you…"

Within thirty seconds the lights were off, the door was locked, spells were cast, and we were on each other like we had craved for so long.

His eyes were dark as he pushed down on me, I stopped thinking and just tried to breathe with his weight pressing me deeper into the blankets. We had made love before, and this time we hadn't seen each other for a month. I grabbed his back and pulled him tighter to me as we just made out, wrapping my legs around him, losing myself in him. He quickly disentangled enough to pull his shirt off, followed by mine. He kissed me again as he unhooked my bra, sliding it off and cupping my breasts in his hands, making me gasp, gently stroking the smooth skin and finally brushing my nipples with his fingertips. I could hardly breathe and dug my nails into his skin as his hot breath slid down my neck, across my skin, onto my breasts, the hot wetness of his mouth scalding my nipples one at a time, making my head spin and I lost control of everything. I scratched down his back, kissed every inch of his skin I could reach, grazed his neck with my teeth, and pulled desperately at his belt, unable to think clearly enough to undo it. His hands removed mine, holding me down, restraining me as I tried to retaliate against the exquisite torture of being teased by a sex god. His tongue flicked my nipple, my back arched and I practically squeaked out loud. My entire body throbbed with the need for him, and I felt him, hot and hard, pulsing against my tummy as I pressed against him harder, pulling him onto me with my legs around his hips. He held my hands above my head in one of his, slipped his other hand down my tummy and into my jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling them down and off. His fingers slid under the edge of his boxers, slipping lower, finally grazing his final destination. One fingertip slowly circled my clit, I couldn't breathe. A warm finger slid gently inside me, pressed slightly, withdrew, I arched against him and downright begged. I whimpered, I nearly cried, I pressed my hips upward, begging for more. He lost his grip on my hands and within a second I had his belt undone, his pants pushed down and my hand wrapped around his absolutely rock hard cock. Smiling, if panting, I slowly stroked it, lightly brushing the sensitive head, giggling to see him tense, his breathing halt, glad to be in control again. I teased him, trailing a finger across the slit, tracing the vein, lightly rolling his balls in my warm hand, feeling his cock swell even more. I rolled on top of him and straddled his legs, gently kissing the soft skin, letting my tongue touch it, pressing my mouth to his cock and taking it into my lips. His eyes fluttered, his hand slid back to me, pressing two fingers deeply into me, pumping harder and making me rock on him, gasping for air. I sucked on him for one more second, then slid forward and dropped onto him. He pressed into me tightly, barely fitting, and we both moaned quietly. He grabbed my hips, raised me a few inches, and slammed my body down onto his, making us both see stars of confused pleasure. He rolled me over with him on top and he pounded into me, our bodies slamming together and both crying out, barely breathing, tears almost falling from my eyes, clinging to him more tightly than ever. Our pace slowed and we kissed deeply as he slid in and out of my body, every inch of our shaking skin pressed together. We slowly regained speed as we got closer to the edge, I pulled him into me deeper as pressure built between us, until there was a furious moment of combustion energy, both crying out and clutching each other, moving with all our strength, pressing as deep as physically possible, exploding with release. We lay still, clinging to each other, breathing together, slowly relaxing together, and finally opened our eyes. I looked up at him and saw his sex hair and glazed eyes. I smiled a tiny bit and kissed his mouth; he feebly kissed me back and whispered "I love you."

"I love you too," I managed to mumble before his eyes fell closed and he was asleep.

I lay there, entangled in his warmth, not sleeping for a long time.

**Ok…. so Harry's back… but what now??**

**Mwahahahahaha.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: The characters I torture so happily in these chapters are, unfortunately, not technically mine. Such a shame… still fun, though.**

**Warning: The M is no longer just for ****sexytime**** stuff, there is MAJORLY ****angsty**** shit in this chapter. ****Liiike****, self ****abusey**** stuff.**** It's stressful, so if it will freak you out, turn back now. Well, ok then, have fun reading it if you're feeling like a BAMF!**

Everything's a mess, I realized as I opened my eyes, light shining through my hair, blankets and limbs tangled in my bed. Black hair sticking up, adorably messy, from beneath my green blanket and a muffled noise of protest was Harry's contribution to my predicament. I sat up too fast, vision blurring from the loss of blood pressure, and pressed my face to my hands. This was impossible. Yesterday couldn't have really happened. I didn't make out with Draco Malfoy. I must have been hallucinating. Draco doesn't have a sister. I would have known. It was all a dream. I fell asleep before Harry got home, he woke me up, we made love, that's it. That had to be it.

Something shined on my floor and I saw a black bracelet with silver studs gleaming on my fuzzy pink rug.

Draco… no…_Malfoy's_ bracelet. The one he ripped off to show me the mark. The one I picked up from the ground and stared at in my bed until I threw it to the floor when Harry came in last night.

It all came back to me. The small girl, forced into a lace corset, the pale blue dress and cascading chestnut curls of Esmerelda, the white lines on Draco's arm, the way his eyes glowed blue inches from mine, the warmth of Harry's body pressed into mine. I pulled my legs up, hugging them, burying my face in my hands again, pulling my hair down over my head and knees,

"Ginny… what the fuck are you doing… come _here__…" _Harry's voice ripped me from hiding, his arms wrapped around me and pulled me onto him and back into the pillows. I took a deep breath and looked at him, taking in his confused emerald eyes, his sleepy grin, his warm hands sliding around my body under the blankets. I traced his cheek with my finger, overgrown sideburns and soft black stubble making me wonder why on earth someone hadn't made him shave at Quidditch camp. Oh, well, I quite like it when he doesn't… you'll never hear me tell him that, though. A usually low maintenance girlfriend has to bitch sometimes, you know. I cupped his face in my hand and gently kissed him, our lips soft and still slightly swollen from last night. He smiled slowly, eyes closed, and pulled me into his body, curling around me and nestling my head into his neck. I could feel his breathing slow, his eyes stop moving beneath heavy lids, sleep overtake him again. I lay perfectly still, eyes wide, silently, staring at our entwined hands. Sometimes it's kind of scary to love him, it makes me so vulnerable... and right now, I knew we were in jeprody. On the edge... Just like the world.

Slowly, the repercussions and fears of my entire life seemed to creep into my mind. Harry's eyes were staring at me through all my other thoughts, Draco was lying dead on a four poster bed, my brothers were running through darkness, blood streaming running form their bodies, my mother was sobbing hysterically, clutching at Bill's shirt as his head fell back, eyes open, Harry was staring as Malfoy pushed himself inside me, my nails in his back and his voice in my ear, Harry's back was disappearing into the distance as I fell to the ground, unable to move, a dull roaring filled my ears and suddenly I couldn't stop. Couldn't breathe. My body was frozen and I couldn't feel anything, only see the images in my mind, spinning out of control and drowning me with panic. Practically blind, I slid out of Harry's arms, out of bed, through my door and into the bathroom. I collapsed on the floor, grabbing the scissors off the counter, digging the blade into my arm. Relief. Cold, painful, bright hard rescue from my own mind. I was back in my body, and it hurt like hell. I scratched deeper and shivers ran down my body, washing away the real fear, numbing my mind with physical pain. I fell onto my back, staring at the ceiling as blood slowly dripped down my arm onto the white tiles.

This hell is so much better than being trapped in my own thoughts.

Stars flashed in front of my eyes as suddenly the door hit my legs, pushing open, letting in a beam of light almost onto my bleeding arm. I screamed, shoving the door back with all my strength, catching Harry off guard. He staggered back, swearing, then stuck his head in the door to see what the hell was going on.

"Ginny….oh god… what… who…. "

"Oh, god…no… please…"

I screamed, leapt to my feet, and flung myself at the door, slamming it closed and locking it a thousand times over without even a wand. My magic crackles through the air when I'm angry… when I panic, it's visible. Black streaks from the raw energy burned into the door that I knew would stay forever appeared before my eyes.

"Ginny! GINNY! What the hell's gotten into you?! Why won't you let me in? I thought you loved me…. I though we were different… I thought this wasn't possible… I didn't … why…you…this is impossible… why won't you talk to me?! TALK TO ME! Please—Gin—I'm sorry…i love you so much... fuck... god... i love you...you can tell me what's wrong, you can tell me anything, why the FUCK won't you say anything?!" Harry's eyes were burning but his face was blank with pain. He pushed at the door, I was panicking, pushing back like my life depended on it, avoiding his gaze, screaming for him to leave, to get away, screaming that I loved him, screaming that I was all right, tears streaming down my face. I threw myself against the door, shoving and holding him out.

SLAM

I can't handle this. I think I'm hyperventilating. My eyes are going to fall out, my voice would shatter glass if I would let myself scream the way I want to, my hands are shaking and I can't look at him without building up pressure. I'm going to explode. My life is going to explode. I'm grabbing the edges of the sink, digging my nails into the porcelain, sparkles of energy flying from my fingertips leaving tiny scorch marks on the white enamel. My eyes look wild in the mirror, but I can only stare at my desperate face for a second before the glass shatters, pieces falling into my hands and arms, one grazing my wrist and drawing blood. I'm so violated… I feel so taken, so completely worthless. So out of control. I have a way… I had a way to deal with things I couldn't handle, I had myself under control, I had power over my fear and myself and the privacy of the vile activity was its only saving grace… I have nothing now. I won't have Harry… I don't have control… I don't even have the power over what others know about me or do to me. I can just see it… a straight jacket… a white room in St. Mungo's… I'd rather die. I'm no longer afraid to tell them that...I have nothing to lose... I can figure my life out if I'm left alone to do it. I can't have interference… I can't handle "help"… I need to trust myself before I can do anything… but it's all gone now. Gone. Because I was too stupid to lock a door, too stupid to heal myself before I was seen, too fucking stupid to protect Harry and myself and everyone in my life from the real me.

Who are you kidding, mister?

I can give you everything

Who are you kidding, mister…

I can give you anything.

Who are you kidding, mister

Well, I'm so happy that I could sing

Nobody, you're kidding nobody,

nobody but you.

lyrics by imogen heap

**K, so this is, in fact, getting depressing. Poop. Maybe I should write during the day for once.**

**I swear I'll try to have some fun in the next chapters! (But don't worry, it'll stay all morbid an ****angsty ****an**** fun an ****stuffff)**

**3'sies to my ****readersies**


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